Why I Said Yes to Surrogacy
About three or four years ago my brother in law told me that he had a dream that I was carrying his child for him because his wife couldn’t carry it for some reason. I remember telling him, that without hesitation, I would do it. Little did I know that would actually come to fruition, just not his baby.
September 11, 2017 Aj and I were relaxing after we had gotten all three little girls to bed (at the time my youngest was 6 months old). He muttered under his breath “Oh that’s too bad,” and I asked what he was talking about. He was on Facebook and he turned his phone so that I could read this post from Jane (names changed to protect privacy)
“We thought we’d give people a little update on our Surrogacy Journey. We’ve received so much love and support from countless people and are so grateful- Thank you!! Earlier this year we went through the IVF process and got 3 frozen embryos (yay!) but unfortunately things didn’t pan out medically with our AMAZING surrogate. We made several attempts but never made it to an embryo transfer. Knowing that those little embryos are frozen and waiting to grow, we will be looking for another surrogate to carry for us. We’d prefer to have someone we know pretty well, who is healthy, has healthy pregnancies, and is done having their own children. If you or someone you know would like to consider helping us, please contact us! Otherwise, prayers sent our way are equally appreciated!! Thank you!“
I sat and thought about it for about thirty minutes when I turned to him and said “Let’s do it“ – he then looked at me with a blank stare. I asked him if it’s something he has negative feelings towards having his wife do, and he told me, “I’ll support you if that’s what you want, that’s a really selfless thing for you to do, are you sure?” I told him I wanted more details and it’s something that we would pray and fast about, but I wanted to make sure that at this point in time, that he would be ok with something like that. He then proceeded to text John asking for more details on the matter. I think he was mostly surprised at my response to the situation, because I don’t love pregnancy, and I told him that our last baby was the last one I would ever have. If he wanted more children then we would adopt. Especially because we cant seem to figure out how to make boys.
I have fairly easy pregnancies and I am able to exercise through out the entire time. I don’t get super sick, I stay pretty small, and stay pretty energetic. Mental is where I struggle, with the hormonal changes, the body changes, and miss independent has a hard time not being able to do everything herself all of the time. So I even surprised myself with this decision, but I will say it’s not something I took lightly, and it’s not something I could do for someone I didn’t know.
I am sure you are wondering by now how we knew Jane and John. My husband worked with John for a little bit, and he also played indoor soccer with him. Which is where I got to know his wife Jane. We loved them, although we never ended up being super close, they were just the neatest and kindest people.
Over the next six months we went over contracts, expectations, got to know each other better, and had a lot of praying and discussion with some fasting. This decision wasn’t something any of us could take lightly. I had my family to think about, no matter how you put it, pregnancy is hard on everyone. And it also puts your life at risk, so were we willing to possibly look at that outcome? Or the possibility of losing my uterus in the process, which is why John and Jane were adamant about finding a surrogate who was done with her family. They would never be able to live it down if she wasn’t and had to be because of their baby. So a lot of factors went into saying yes. And to be honest, over those six months I went back and forth. I was still mostly in, but I did have doubts creep in. Mostly about the risks that come with pregnancy. One thing that stuck out to me during Jane and I’s many conversations, was something that she said to me and I’ll never forget it. I had a rough childhood… I ended up in foster care at 11 and luckily found a good family who helped me heal and learn to be normal. During one of our conversations about that she said to me, “ sometimes it takes people to go through hard things in order to do hard things”
At this point in our journey I had told only a few close relatives that we were thinking about doing this. The response was good, except a few people. They expressed their concerns, and one told me that they didn’t think it was a good idea. I completely understand their hesitations, and their points were all things that I had thought about as well. But the thing that stuck in my mind was that, if roles were reversed, I would hope that someone would be willing to do this for me. And I can’t explain it, but I feel deep down in my bones that this is my calling right now, I was meant to do this for them. I’ll continue the rest of our journey in a couple more weeks, for now ill end with some common questions I get.
Common questions:
Is it her egg and his sperm? Yes this is all them, they had their embryos fertilized and frozen. I am the oven and all their bun.
Do you have to pay for anything? No, the only thing we pay for is our insurance policy, which we would have regardless, any copays, bills that the insurance won’t cover is sent over to the IP’s ( intended parents ) if we didn’t have insurance they would buy the policy for us.
What happens if you die in this process? I hope to high heaven thats not going to happen, but its a risk. Jane and John got my family a life insurance policy so that if something happens to me because of the pregnancy, then the burden of the financial aspect would be lifted. I am rolling on Faith and Coke Zero.
Are you worried about the emotional tole when having to give up the baby? I believe I would be dumb to go into this thinking that I wouldn’t have some sort of attachment, but I also believe my mind set is key. So far it hasn’t been an issue, Jane texts me every week to say “ happy 11 weeks “ etc. I don’t even really pay attention LOL. So thank goodness she reminds me how far along we are. I also have faith that the Lord will make me equal to the task. It also helps that my last two babies are 15 months apart… I am so over the baby stage!
Whats the process like starting out? First we sat down to discuss any questions we had, why they chose this route, any concerns, general questions about my pregnancy history etc. Next Jane had the contract drafted up and sent over to us from her attorney. We looked through it and made changes we thought needed to be made. Jane and John secured us a different attorney where we sat down with him and he made sure we understood every part of that contract. We told him any changes we wanted. The contract was then reviewed by their attorney and if no changes are made its sent over to a state judge for review. As we were waiting on that, we went to the Reproductive Care Center where they did blood work for any STD’s or blood born illness’ on both myself and AJ, a physical, and an Ultrasound to look at my uterus lining to make sure that everything looked good there. Once we got the go I was started on Birth Control to regulate my cycle with the schedule of the Dr and when they aimed for an embryo transfer. After my cycle was almost finished I started on the drug Estrace. The point here is to try and get my uterus lining to thicken like it would if I was getting ready to ovulate. They want to create the best environment possible so that the embryo has no reason not to stick. This is where their last surrogate couldn’t get past. They couldn’t get the lining thick enough to do the transfer. After I passed go, I started on Progesterone injections for a couple of weeks before transfer. Then we transfer! Ill tell you more on these details later.
These are the most common, feel free to DM me or comment on this post and I am more than happy to answer any questions I didn’t address. I wish you could all meet Jane and John, the neatest people. I know she is wanting to start a blog from her point of view. When she does ill link you to it. In the mean time happy Sunday!
-Lacey
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