When I was 19, I was a mess. I lived in constant worry that I would never amount to anything. I was hardly sober and often thought of ending my life. I craved a new beginning but was absolutely certain I would never get it.
My life now is a complete 180 compared to where I was ten years ago. I have often thought about what I would say to that wild, insecure, sad, eager, anxious teenager.
Here’s a letter to myself at 19. I wish more than anything she could read it. But I know she’s still there deep down:
Dear Beautiful, Wild Girl,
I know life has been hard lately. If you could trust me and read this letter – I promise everything will make sense eventually.
Please stay sober. There are so many wonderful things coming. And I want more than anything for you to see them with fresh, un-influinced eyes.
Enjoy where you are now. Because this moment in life that you hate so much – it’s not going to last. It’s just a chapter. And believe it or not, you’ll miss this simplicity.
Your time will come. You are longing for adventure. Longing to break out from where you are now. Give it time. It will happen. And you will soar higher than you ever thought possible.
You will be a mom. I don’t want to give too much away. I know you don’t think you are worthy of motherhood. But you are. You will be an amazing mother. Your kids are going to adore you.
There is still plenty of heartache ahead for you. Brace yourself. Your strength gets you through the darkest places.
Your life is worth living. I know dark thoughts have entered your mind. I know you have seriously considered taking your life. But the life you create is something marvelous and I cannot wait for you to see how everything unfolds.
Be nicer to those around you. It doesn’t make you look weak. People matter and they love to see your kindness shine through.
Spend more time with your family and friends. You will miss out on too many opportunities if you continue to isolate yourself the way you are.
On a lighter note, start using moisturizer. Please.
Speak your mind and own who you are. You are unique and wonderful. Your personality isn’t for everyone. But it’s for you. And you’ll brighten a lot of lives by being exactly who you are.
Lastly, you are amazing. I’m proud of everything you have overcome. You have a mountain of trials to endure still. But I know you have what it takes.
Please take this to heart. Live every day with a purpose. Don’t take yourself too seriously. Love every freaking bit of yourself and your life. Because it flies by. It’s truly unbelievable how quickly the years go.
With all the love I can possibly give,
-You, at age 29
I am in complete awe that 10 years have passed since I was 19. That’s too much to take in, really. The amount of change and lessons and trials I fit into those years could fill several books. That’s exactly what life is about though. If I could truly meet myself at 19 years old, I hope I would approach her with love and open arms. I hope I would be able to influence her in some way. She was broken. But she is me. I am her. And everything I used to be, created exactly who I am right now – writing this letter to who I once was.
If I could leave you – the reader – with anything, it would be to embrace all you are. And who you used to be. Try this exercise. Write a letter to yourself at the hardest point in your life. It’s healing. And we all deserve to heal.
Bree Johns is 29 years old and has two children – a three year old boy and a 10 month old girl. Her and her husband have been married for 5 years. She is a proud recovered addict of 10 years, an animal lover, and avid youtube viewer. Writing and motherhood are her biggest passions.
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