At five weeks, I went to bed like any other night. Nothing was any different besides the normal precautions. I was still working out like normal, with the exception that I didn’t lift anything over 50 lbs per Dr’s orders, still being a mom to my three little crazies, and just doing life. I had some pregnancy symptoms at this point, but most didn’t kick in until about six weeks, like my other pregnancies. I remember when Jane would text me the first week trying to figure out if I felt any different. Telling her things I had experienced so far. One was that I always craved deli sandwiches, one of the first signs. Most women get achy and tender breasts but that never showed up until almost the end of the first trimester for me. She told me that she thought it was so crazy that my body was so predictable and stayed on track. I think thats part of the reason that since we had gotten the positive test, I have had no doubts on the fact that I was still indeed carrying her little baby. Only once did I falter in my positive attitude.
I remember waking up at 2:30 in the morning because I needed to pee as usual. When I woke up I kind of laid there deciding if it was worth getting up or not. While I was laying there I noticed that my underwear was wet… my first thought was to laugh, because apparently I really did need to pee, then I had the thought that maybe it wasn’t pee because it felt different. So I got up and walked in the dark into the bathroom, when I got in there I flipped the light on as fast as I could and looked down. I was not prepared to see a rather large oval of blood. I sat down to pee and started shaking, the panic set in, then the denial like maybe I was still asleep. I tried to pay attention while I peed to make sure nothing else was coming out and I noticed more bright red blood. I’ve never experienced a miscarriage before, but I had experienced bleeding. Every pregnancy I get implantation bleeding, but nothing this heavy or bright. So I thought maybe this could be whats going on, the start of this pregnancy had been anything but average, so I thought maybe this was part of the abnormal. Deep down though I knew it wasn’t that, but I was hopeful. Then my thought process changed to, how am I going to tell Jane and John, this can’t really be happening, everything has gone so smooth before now so why must we get here and have this happen. So many thoughts…. I sat there for a few more minutes trying to see if I was going to bleed any more. Every wipe of toilet paper came back with more bright red blood, but nothing more. So I felt reassured by that. Everything I had read said most miscarriages had blood clots, but I also knew that it never started out that way. I then became angry at my body that it couldn’t do this one simple thing for my friends, which then quickly turned into me telling my body “We don’t have miscarriages, we never have, and we aren’t starting now” I walked away feeling defeated but at the same time, if I could will anything with my thoughts it was that this baby was staying in there. I went back into my bedroom and woke my husband up. I told him I was bleeding and he sighed, said, “You’re kidding me?” And then I asked him to give me a blessing, which is something our church does that is similar to a prayer to help comfort or heal the sick. I don’t know that he was completely awake but I do remember finding comfort in his words, one sentence that stuck out to me was “I bless your body to continue on this quest to bring Jane and Johns baby safely into the world when it is completely ready to do so”. He said some other things, but I don’t remember them all. I do remember that I felt this overwhelming feeling of peace when he said this. Then I spent the next three hours on my knees and on my phone researching what was going on with me. I quickly learned that google can be reassuring and disheartening at the same time. I finally decided there was nothing else I could do and I needed to just go to sleep and call the Dr in the morning.
I woke up a few hours later and went straight to the bathroom. I wasn’t actively bleeding enough to leave anything else in my underwear but when I would wipe I would come away with some blood, at this point it wasn’t as bright red and seemed to be more brown in color. Which told me that the bleed wasn’t active at this point. That was reassuring but I was still trying not to panic. It was Sunday morning and I knew when Jane’s church was, I was trying to decide if I should contact her right away or call the Dr on call. It was such a hard position to be in, but I also didn’t want to panic her in case there was nothing to be worried about. I decided to call the Dr’s office real quick to hopefully get some answers before I gave Jane a heart attack.
I called and go their answering service, they had me explain what was going on and that I would get a call back from the Dr as soon as possible. I then decided I would text Jane. I asked if she was awake, this was about 8:30 that morning. I didn’t get a response right away which I was grateful for because I wanted answers from the Dr’s office before I set her into a panic, but felt guilty for not contacting her the second everything happened. I got a call back before she ever messaged me which I was happy about. When I answered my phone and heard the voice of the nurse, I felt comfort. After working in a Dr’s office I knew that a call from the nurse was a good sign. She asked me to re-explain what was happening and then told me that from their end everything sounded normal. Normal?? I’ve never had bleeding like this so it wasn’t my normal, but them not being very concerned was comforting to me. She told me if it continued for two plus hours then that was not normal. Then to watch it and if it continued past two hours to call. She said that we had an ultrasound in a few days so they would look at it then and see what was happening. They also had me on low dose Aspirin and I asked if that had something to do with it. She told me she would talk to the Dr and get back to me and to stop taking the Aspirin.
Right after I got off the phone with the nurse, Jane texted me. I’ve asked Jane to write from her perspective on this situation and what it was like from her end. We talk all the time, but until they write it down, I don’t think you completely know what their thoughts are.
“I remember waking up to Lacey’s text:
“Are you awake?”
I instinctually knew she was bleeding. I tried to remain calm and not jump to the worst conclusion while waiting for her to text back. In that moment I felt complete loss of control. Let me explain.
Every mom knows the ‘Mama Bear’ feeling. You keep your little ones close so you can keep them safe and you get to make the call on how to do so. But as an intended parent I am a step removed for a while. I have literally put one of my most precious treasures in someone else’s body, along with my trust. Well, on that morning I was reminded how little control I had over the situation.
“I just got off the phone with RCC. I woke up at 2:30 this morn with bright red blood in my underwear. About a tablespoon.”
You see, in a traditional pregnancy you’d be able to assess this event by checking in with your body and mentally listing all symptoms you feel or have felt leading up to it. You know what feels off and what feels okay. But when you’re not the one pregnant with your baby it’s new territory.
We’d been working toward this pregnancy for SO LONG. We’d barely gotten the positive test! I was worried we were going to lose it all so quickly.
“So I had AJ give me a blessing and I spent the next couple of hours on my knees.”
Knowing Lacey spent hours in the night on her knees praying for our baby meant the world to us and reminded me just how much I trust her to be our surrogate. She did everything I would have done: called the fertility clinic who said it might just be implantation bleeding, had a Priesthood blessing and prayed.
“I get implantation bleeding with all my pregnancies and this one I haven’t yet so I figured I wasn’t going to because it’s different in general. And I’ve never gotten that much or that bright red so it freaked me out. I’m trying to not stress about it. If it were my own then I would think it was weird but brush it off.”
I read the last line of her text and cried a little. She has been incredibly invested in doing this for us and I remember feeling calm and reassured that everything was under control and she was doing everything in her power to keep it that way. Over the next week stress was a little higher as we kept a close eye on everything but luckily the spotting stopped and wasn’t anything more than just that! The surrogacy process is not for the faint hearted so we feel so lucky to have Lacey be part of our Team Baby!”
I bled one more time before our Ultrasound appointment, I texted Jane about it, and I could feel the worry through the phone. My heart ached for her, I wanted to hug her and tell her I felt peace, that everything was going to be ok. I kept telling her that I had a talk with my body, baby P wasn’t going anywhere, but as a mom I could also understand the worry. I was doing it in my own way, but different. I kept praying that if there was something I could do or say that I could do or say it. Something to help her. I felt so helpless. That Ultrasound appointment couldn’t come fast enough. Finally it came and when we had the ultrasound the P.A asked me if I had been bleeding. I told her yes and she told me it was because I had a Subchorionic Hemorrhage. Something I had never heard of before, so for those of you who don’t know this is the definition on google “ Subchorionic hemorrhage (subchorionic hematoma) is the most common sonographic abnormality in the presence of a live embryo. Vaginal bleeding affects 25% of all women during the first half of pregnancy and is a common reason for first- trimester ultrasonography.”
She told us that it effects about 90% of women and that its normal and the body should eventually just soak up all that blood. That I could continue my activities as normal. It was so refreshing to hear for myself, but I could still see the worry on Jane’s face. I knew once it went away then she would be fine, but until then, she would worry. I can’t say that I blame her.
There definitely is more pressure then my regular pregnancies. It’s not because Jane or John have put extra pressure on me. If anything they’ve been such champs. I forget that to them, they feel completely out of control, until I read her above post. I try to put myself in her shoes as much as possible. I always ask myself, if roles were reversed what would I want Jane to do. They’ve never really asked me not to do something or to stop doing things that in my life have been completely normal and routine. They trust me that I am going to take care of their peanut. I believe the pressure comes from within. If something ever happened and I had any responsibility in that, I don’t know that I could handle that.
Like she mentioned, I know in a sense, how much they’ve been through and how hard they’ve worked up until this point to try and get this baby here. I want to help as much as I can, which means I need to be more careful in my eyes. Not that my other pregnancies I wasn’t, its so hard to explain so I hope you can decipher what I am trying to explain. Getting pregnant has always come easy to me, I have three girls and my oldest was the only one planned. So seeing someone go through what they’ve been through, makes me want to take extra care.
Thanks for reading once again. I am excited to continue to share this journey with all of you!
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