10 Ways to Protect our Children From Abuse

It’s every mother’s worst nightmare to find out that their sweet little babe has been through the unimaginable: Abuse. Abuse can come in many forms…physical, emotional, sexual, verbal…the list goes on and on and it is all horrific and so much more common than we realize! Some of you may wonder, ‘Why does this even have to be a thing we have to teach our kids about!?’ The crazy thing is, is that 80% of child abuse comes from someone you or your child already know. It is so much better to be prepared for something to happen, than to be blindsided by such an awful event.

There are so many things racing through a child’s mind who has suffered abuse…fear, guilt, shame, just to name a few. So how do we make sure abuse never happens to our kids? In short, we can’t, unless we plan to be with our child 24/7 until they are 18 years old…which unfortunately we cannot do.

However, we CAN use these tools and tactics to help our children understand the difference between safe and unsafe, and give them the tools to keep themselves safe.

1. Identify Abuse with your child. Hitting, shoving, punching, threatening, yelling, inappropriate touching. Let them know that abuse does not only come from adults. It can come from family members, friends, and peers as well.
2. Using ‘Body Words’ correctly. Yes, it is always funny to hear a little kid say the anatomical names for their private parts…but this is important so if any type of sexual abuse does happen to your child, they know the right words to say when disclosing. This is key in prosecuting child abuse in a court case. So yes, try to stifle your giggles when teaching them this, and just remember it is for their safety and well being!
3. Not Keeping Secrets. If an adult does something and tells a child not to tell anyone, it is not a safe secret. Make sure to let your child know that no adult who does this is a safe person, and that they need to tell a TRUSTED adult ASAP if they have a secret with an adult. This is tough because a lot of times we will give a loved little one an extra piece of candy, or something to that effect…and we say “Don’t tell your mom! It’s our secret.” Try to shy away from this even though it is pretty harmless. This can be confusing for your child when it comes to big secrets, like abuse. Make sure to differentiate between harmless secrets with friends “I have a crush on bobby, but don’t tell anyone!” and “This person hit me, but don’t tell anyone!”
4. Adults Only Ask Adults for Help. If a random adult asks your child for “help”, they are not a safe adult. A lot of time this can be an adult asking a child to help ‘look for their lost pet’, or they need ‘help with something back at their house’, etc. Let your child know that NO safe adult will do this. If they really need help, they will ask another adult for help, not a child. If this happens to your child, you can tell your child to always “Find a mommy” (another woman with children with her) and let her know that this random adult is asking for help.
5. Listing Trusted Adults. Have your child list 3 adults they feel comfortable telling something to and that YOU feel comfortable with as well. This could be mommy, daddy, a teacher, a friend’s parent, church leader, etc. They need to have MULTIPLE safe options so they will feel okay coming to at least one of them.
6. Safety Plans. This is paramount and keeps the guesswork out of the aftermath of abuse. If something happens to your child, make sure they know they have a safe person to tell and a safe place to go. Having your child memorize your phone number is awesome. A fun little thing you can add in, is having a ‘code word’ with your child. If they are feeling scared or experienced a dangerous situation, they can use this code word with you (over the phone, text, or in person) to let you know that something happened. (Kids usually love this idea, especially if they come up with an especially random and funny code word!)

Your child may not want to talk about what happened right away, but KNOWING is the first step.

7. Coming Forward It is VERY hard for a child to come forward about abuse. Why? Because they think they will be in trouble. “What if my parent gets mad? I don’t want to get this person: Friend, friend’s sibling, friend’s parent, mom’s boyfriend/spouse, sibling, cousin, uncle, aunt, etc. in trouble, because I like them. I don’t want mom or dad to be mad at this person because then I won’t see them again! If this person finds out that I told, it will be even worse! They will be so mad and hate me” Some ideas for helping a child feel comfortable coming forward.
   1. Tell them that you will not be angry and they are not in trouble, mommy and daddy just need to know what happened so you can keep them safe. Let them know they will NEVER be in trouble for telling you the truth.
   2. Tell them they can write it down if they don’t want to talk about the ‘secret’ or ‘scary thing’ that happened.
   3. Tell them that they can talk to someone else if they do not want to talk to you about it…a lot of kids are embarrassed to tell their parents that they suffered abuse, especially if it is sexual abuse.
8. Reacting Appropriately As a parent. If your child came to you and told you something horrible happened to them, your first instinct would be to become a raving maniac, go hunt down this person and kill them. It is super important that you react calmly but firm, let the child know this is not their fault, and that hurting someone is never okay. I’ve seen so many kids get angry with their parents because they finally disclose the abuse to their parent, and then beg their parent not to tell anyone. Let your child know that if they or someone they know is getting hurt, telling other people will only make things better and keep everyone safe.
9. Don’t overkill it. This is the hardest one. We want to know every detail, and if we have to question our kid for 48 hours straight until we know exactly what happened to them so we can take care of it, we would! When you start asking a child questions, sometimes they start answering the questions how they think YOU want them to be answered. This is just how their little brain works. Don’t be too pushy about details, and try taking a slower approach with open ended questions so THEY can tell you. Many times if your child needs to be interviewed by law enforcement and they disclose the things they told mommy and what mommy asked them specifically…sometimes the child can be accused of being “coached”…(which is terrible, but happens often.)
10. Call the authorities immediately. There are people specifically trained who are there to help navigate you and your child through this nightmare, with as much comfort and reassurance as possible.

The best thing you can do is work on having an open, trusting, loving relationship with your child. This obviously takes hard work and serious love every single day, and it takes a lot of reflecting! Put yourself in your child’s shoes, and work from there. There are awesome books on Amazon that tackle this tough issue in a super kid-friendly way…if you feel more comfortable teaching your child that way, go for it! Kids pick up so much through stories and through play.

If your child has suffered abuse or you suspect your child has suffered abuse, please reach out! There are many different organizations in every state to help you navigate what you are going through. You are not alone, and there are so many other moms in your exact same shoes; trying to find healing for their child, their family, and themselves.

All we can do is strive to give our kids the best chance out there in this big world of unknowns. May we ALL support, lift up, encourage, and carry each other along the way.

-Nicole L

{Nicole is a beautiful wife to the man of her dreams and mama to a little girl named Lucy. She runs a boutique named after her since quitting her job as a children’s social worker specializing in abuse relating to trauma. She has such a beautiful outlook on motherhood and loves sharing the ups and downs that come with it all.}