2018 was ROUGH. Yes, I know we are in 2020 now, but 2018 set me back, and sometimes I feel like we haven’t fully recovered. Let rewind a bit.
January 2018, I had my first miscarriage. It was just a couple weeks after I had found out I was pregnant, so it all happened quickly. I felt sad, but I figured it just wasn’t meant to be. The following month I got pregnant again. The time however, I had blood tests every other day, making sure that everything was going right, and it was. Ultrasounds showed a heartbeat, all was going well up until my 8 week ultrasound. That’s when I noticed right away the heartbeat was gone. The doctor told me exactly what I already knew, and gave me options moving forward. Since I had just had one a few months previous, I figured I would just wait it out and let the miscarriage happen on its own. I figured it would be quick, simple, and easy like before. Boy, was I wrong. My body held on for four weeks. Four excruciating weeks, of waking up, knowing it was gone, but waiting for everything to happen on its own. It took me to a place I never imagined myself going. May 4th, 2018, I would’ve been 12 weeks, and that morning I miscarried, finally. I had waited so long, it was almost a relief of a true restart.
Fast forward to January 2019: I got a positive pregnancy test. My husband and I were both TERRIFIED. We didn’t tell anyone. We made it about 14 weeks before telling family, I just couldn’t hide my belly anymore. As this was my 7th pregnancy. After the two miscarriages, my body knew what it was doing. Growing quick! We eventually announced to social media, and everyone was so excited for us. I guess I was excited too, but the anxiety and depression from the previous year was holding me back from truly having peace. I was having a rainbow baby, and I felt like that meant I needed to be healed and happy 24/7, that I shouldn’t be upset or still grieving over what had happened the previous year. Boy, was I wrong!
August 29th, 2019, we welcomed our 5th earthly baby, baby Beau, right at 36 weeks. He was indeed our rainBeau baby. I truly feel like Heavenly Father blessed me with him for four extra weeks, since I had struggled so hard those four weeks as I awaited my second miscarriage. Beau has been with us now for four months, and I’ve been having a hard time trying to get over 2018. I often think to myself, why?! How can I not be over it yet?! But then, every diaper change, every smile, every coo, every look I get into our little rainBeau’s eyes, I think of who the others would’ve looked like. Who they would’ve been, and what I did wrong to make them not able to be here with us. That’s where the clouds come in, my mind gets overwhelmed thinking of all the what if’s and why’s.
Then I realized, I don’t have to get over it.
A loss is a loss, no matter the age. We don’t ask people to get over their losses of those who passed after being here physically on the earth. We pray for them to have comfort, so I started trying to do that for myself. Instead of attacking myself, I was praying for help to find comfort, and I’ve started to find it. I’ve come to realize that I don’t have to get over it, but that I can learn to live and move on without feeling guilty as if I’m forgetting what happened. We’ve got two angels watching our family, and that’s something I won’t ever forget. We never move on from losses. A part of our hearts will always have that little crack. A rainbow doesn’t mean the storms are over, it just gives us a piece of beauty to make it through the next storm that comes our way.
We’ve got our little rainBeau with us everyday, and he is the best at giving us those pieces of beauty we need to make it through. 2020, has brought me to understand that we don’t live in a world that we need to “get over it” but that we need to “learn from it.” What am I to learn about 2018? I’m not 100% sure yet, but I do know that it’s not something I have to get over and move passed. I know it will be with me forever, and I must learn how to grow, live, and become a better me through all the cloudy storms that come our way. I know we are entitled to feel all the feelings of sadness and grieving, but if that’s all we focus on, we won’t ever find peace. I know that I must find that light shining from my rainBeau and allow it to teach me how to find comfort. We aren’t ever alone in our trials, and if we don’t lean on the things that can bring us peace, we’re only digging ourselves deeper into a hole that will be harder to climb out of.
2020 is a year for learning, for healing, and a year to realize we are not alone.
~ Mama Jess
I’m Mama Jess! Little bit about me; I got married at 18, to my high school sweetheart! We were both born and raised in Salem, Oregon. He was a legit gangster in our town, and I was a tiny lds nerdy girl. Heavenly Father sure had a plan of his own. Luckily we followed along! We got married in the Portland Temple the spring after I graduated, I was a young 18 years old. We had kiddos right away, so I did online school, and I graduated with my bachelors degree from BYU-Idaho! We live in Oregon with our FIVE kiddos, and our two angel babies in heaven watching over us. ???? We’ve got 3 boys and two girls. We love music and the beach, play any music song and our entire clan will be loudly adding their own vocals! Our life is crazy busy, and chaotic, but I wouldn’t change a thing! I’m a blessed mama.
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