A Labor Day weekend I will never forget.
The private, unwarranted pain was consuming me. “You are not pregnant. We had your blood tested and I am sorry to say, there is not a baby. You are experiencing a chemical pregnancy.” the ER Doctor casually said. Through fighting tears and instant sadness, I sat there as he described the term to me. A very early miscarriage most commonly due to chromosomal problems in the developing fetus. After the doctors short and to the point description, he left the room. The room we had just spent hours in, praying and hoping for a miracle in. Instantly, my concerned husband just held me as I cried. It was seconds later that I had realized he too was crying.
And just like that, I wasn’t pregnant anymore. I’ll always remember the awful walk out of the hospital and feeling like I wanted to go back upstairs so they could double check the results. Instead, life had smacked me in the face and it hurt.
How? Why? Did I do something to cause this chemical pregnancy? These are all thoughts that clouded my mind on our short drive home in the midst of two phone calls made to our families. As we entered the driveway, I felt numb but I put on my poker face for our daughter.
Thank God for my happy, go lucky two-year-old. It is amazing what a little soul can do for your adult soul. It was an afternoon I needed, jumping in her bounce house and reading stories in her new favorite play space. While I was at the hospital, my Uncle had randomly dropped by our house with a gift for our daughter. A little surprised to find her there with family members and completely unaware of where we were, he set up an adorable pink and white striped play tent. Complete with a little side window and a chalkboard sign that hung at the top. It made her day and it was all her smiles that buried my emotions.
The days went on and I truly had a hard time accepting the pain I felt. How could it hurt this much to lose something I never had? I had only known about our second pregnancy for one week. I wasn’t 7, 10 or even 20 weeks along. I couldn’t justify my feelings because I knew there were worse circumstances that people were facing every day. Plus, I already had a baby so I shouldn’t be this upset.
I let the fact that I was already a Mom override the grief that I felt about losing a baby. Was I blessed to have a child? Most definitely. Did it replace the emptiness I felt after a miscarriage? Absolutely not. We all open our heart and our bodies for babies. We all have immediate connections to a growing fetus. We all share the similar heartache that follows a miscarriage.
It took me six months to conceive a child after the chemical pregnancy. I was blessed with a second baby girl nine months later. Both of my girls are my entire world but to this day, I still think about that time in my life that will forever be a blur. He or she will always be my favorite what if…?
This quote says it all. “There is a unique pain that comes from preparing a place in your heart for a child that never comes.”
If you have experienced a loss or are currently going through a miscarriage of your own, I am sending you many virtual hugs. In time, the pain will lessen though your heart will never forget.
designed by Michelle gifford creative
powered by Showit
We’re excited you are here, and we love you! Our hope is that we can keep this place uplifting for all types of moms in all seasons of life! So when you have 2 seconds, we hope you'll make some friends, kick back, and stay awhile!