Ever find out something AFTER the fact, and get real mad no one told you about it back when the info would have been helpful? Nicole here to your rescue.
Back in my post-college/pre-career days, I took a doula training course because I absolutely loved everything pregnancy and birth! I mostly did my doula stuff here and there for a few friends, and it was awesome. Birth is so beautiful and wonderful and amazing! I was the most un-pregnant pregnancy expert out there.
So, as a trained childbirth coach/pregnancy/birth/baby enthusiast, I thought I knew everything about what it would be like to be pregnant. I wasn’t worried about any unexpected things to come up that I wouldn’t be prepared for. I’d read and studied everything!
Pain? Just breathe!
LOL x1 MILLION, YOU GUYS!!!! If only it were that easy.
Can we get real for a minute? Like really, really, real to where it’s gonna get gross and probably uncomfortable? Hunker down. I’ve listed a few things that I was NOT expecting to happen to my body during pregnancy, and thought I’d share some of these gross little secrets for first time expecting mamas. Why did no one tell me about any of these things!?
1. Burps. You may burp all day every day for at least a few months. I’m not talking dainty little tiny baby mouse burps that you can keep hidden from your coworkers. I’m talking constant, deep man- like wet burps, the kind where you have to check your mouth to make sure your previous lunchtime roast beef sandwich isn’t planning to prematurely come to visit your toilet via shooting out your mouth! Get used to burping constantly…your body is filling up with progesterone and ain’t planning on slowing down anytime soon. You might as well make it a game and start learning the burping ABC’s for a party trick. Your belching power will surprise you.
2. Morning sickness. “Aww you have morning sickness? Is it just in the morning? Do you feel better after you throw up?” You should eat crackers.” Let me freaking tell you about freaking crackers you guys… they come back up. And if you don’t chew well enough, the cracker corners scratch your esophagus like a tiny little monster with a thousand little claws! “Morning sickness” is a load of crap, because it is every day, every minute, morning, noon, and night sickness. It is holding down vomit in your throat and trying to slam your nostrils shut so the puke doesn’t come outta those holes, too! It’s also unavoidable vomit breath, masked with mint toothpaste. It’s the absolute worst. I had hyperemesis gravidarum (extreme puking and weight loss during pregnancy), so it was an abnormal amount of nausea every day…and I honestly looked forward to going to bed at night just so I could be unconscious. (I asked my husband everyday if he would cut the baby out and then kill me because I was SO SICK…which TBH is a little morbid but sometimes “morning sickness” makes you lose your mind. I will post about THAT fun part another day.)So with this fun little symptom, food literally becomes the enemy. Food is best kept in your stomach forever, and some foods should NEVER under any circumstance be allowed to come back up…which brings me to my next point.
3. Vomit Taste/Color/Texture. You’ll be doing a lot of vomiting, and if you’re like me…it will be constant, every day, partly digested meals coming out of your mouth AND your nose. It ain’t so bad when you throw up within 5 minutes, because it basically just tastes like the same food spontaneously visiting your mouth again…like a second snack, unfortunately. No burning hot lava bile taste yet! Hear me loud and clear, ladies: Be selective about what you want to see in your toilet. For example: Red Gatorade will probably look like blood. Chocolate will look like diarrhea, and meat will look like your grandmother’s latest casserole. Beware and think hard what you want your face to be hanging next to in the toilet bowl. I’m so serious about this it’s not even funny! There comes a time when you base your food decisions on what will be less painful coming back up.
4. Night sweats. Every morning you may wake up in a puddle of your own sweat. I’m talking a special kind of pregnant sweat that is mostly swass, swoob, and shows up in every other human crevice possible. I would invest in a waterproof mattress cover if you want to keep your mattress longer than 9 months. (I do not enjoy being naked, and I had to sleep naked for 8 months because I’m a disgusting sweat monster! Hot tip: Wrap your feet in cold towels before bed..it cools off your core temperature!)
5. Farts/Toots/ Poots and Foofs. After the first few months of hormonal bloating stops, your belly quickly fills up with a human. This obviously puts pressure on all your guts and especially your pelvis. Now, I am not a farter. I maybe have farted in front of my family ONE TIME and absolutely never in front of my husband. But the pregnancy toots are escape artists!!! You’ll come to a point where you will all of a sudden be casually moseying an aisle at Target, get a whiff of something VILE, and turn around to find the disgusting suspect who would do such a horrendous thing in public. Girl, it was you. Your b-hole has betrayed you. A pregnant toot can happen when you walk, waddle, sit or stand. The best thing is…is to obviously ALWAYS blame the fetus. You can’t help it! The baby basically has your intestines wrapped around its little fists like a maniac. You just gotta wait it out until you have control of your body again a few months (yes, MONTHS) after delivery. This too shall pass. 😉
6. Constipation. Ever seen deer poop? For the next 9 months get ready to never poop like a normal human again. There is literally zero room in there to form a normal poop, and your hormone monsters are controlling everything down to your fecal matter. You’ll basically be a poop gumball machine until your first post-birth poop…which will make you SO scared you are going to rip your stitches and b-hole open, that you really will miss your dear, deer poops!
7. Losing your mucus plug. If you have never seen one before and you want to run your life, go google “mucus plug”… (But ladies, be careful because for some reason one of the top results on google is a horse’s genitals, I’m not lying! Yikes.) When you read about a mucus plug..you think.. “Oh. It’s gonna be a round little thing that comes out in the toilet and then I’ll go into labor 3 days later.” That would be awesome. It’s actually a bloody, gunky, red/pink/brown blob. It looks like a mix between a slug and an unhatched baby chicken embryo. So get ready to see that come out of your body and think you’re dying for a minute! Never fear though. It could be days or weeks until you go into labor, but it is a good sign things are progressing! At least there’s that.
So, good luck and get ready for the most disgusting and beautiful experience of your life. Godspeed, Mama.
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