My Story: Never Alone

October 28, 2014 in Family / For Mamas

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After talking to a friend about the adjustment period of being a new mom, I have the urge to finally tell my story and explain the whole reasoning behind starting this blog.

I have a canvas in my room of my family of 3 that I absolutely love of when my baby was first born. But I also have a hard time looking at it because it was a really hard time of life for me. I feel guilty for even saying that because I’m holding the most beautiful and precious baby in the world and something that so many only wish and hope for every day.

I always dreamed of becoming a mom but it always seemed like a distant dream. I watched my sisters raise kids and it felt like it would be a long way down the road before I even had kids.

After being married only 9 short months, we had a feeling to get pregnant and I was terrified. I know that so many struggle having kids and having miscarriages, and my heart goes out to those moms completely. I thought I would be one of them to be honest. I remember getting to 12 weeks and being completely shocked that we made it far enough to tell people.

Our baby was a miracle baby and if we didn’t deliver in the hospital he wouldn’t have survived. I’m so grateful for the day and age that we live in.

The hospital? A dream. They took care of my baby while I just held him, fed him, and then they watched over him while I slept.

Once we got the green light to go home, reality hit…as it does to most.

Breastfeeding wasn’t working, I had mastitis, thrush, and infections all over. I broke out in hives and wasn’t sure what it was from so I stopped injecting the shots I was told to give myself for a blood disorder. We weren’t doing enough skin-to-skin, he was spitting up and crying like he was in a lot of pain. My husband would wake up with me during every feeding (bless his heart) to help me get through nursing as big tear drops would fall on my baby’s face and I would try so hard not to let him hear me cry as my tense body writhed in the hardest pain I had felt since labor. I think I drove my lactation specialist crazy because every time I would go in, I was that “hard” case she had to deal with. (She was a complete sweetheart to me though and I’m so grateful how kind her heart was to a sobbing new mom)

Wasn’t this supposed to be enjoyable?

The physical pain and being tired on top of that was hard for me. However, the hormones that are completely out of whack added to the pile. I’m not trying to sugar coat anything, but the morbid thoughts were real and I felt dark all around me, all the time. I stopped eating. (I’m sure that helped when trying to feed another human being!) I lost 25 pounds (including baby) in a few weeks and was completely weak. I had zero energy, appetite, and was completely stressed with keeping a little infant alive I would forget to take care of myself. I couldn’t comprehend my life or who I even was anymore. It’s hard to explain but I felt like I was thrown in the Nile river without a lifejacket or even knowing how to swim. I remember calling the nurse and sobbing uncontrollably and in the most sympathetic tone she told me that I was doing a good job and everything would be alright and to start medicine if I wanted to. (I ordered the prescription but never ended up taking it… although I’m a firm believer in getting help!)

I don’t want this part to sound dramatic, but I remember one day I was trying to eat something and feeling so weak that I collapsed on the couch and my plate of food fell out of my hands. I have a picture of the Savior in my house that was in our hallway. I remember my husband was at work, baby was asleep and after I had collapsed on the couch, I looked up with complete helpless tears in my eyes and said to the picture of Christ “Am I going to die?”. It sounds irrational, I know, but I really thought it was possible. I felt alone because I was trying to do it alone.

That night, the picture of Christ was my strength and I was somehow able to keep going.

There’s a quote by Elder Bednar that I love:

“We are not and never need be alone. We can press forward in our daily lives with heavenly help. Through the Savior’s Atonement we can receive capacity and “strength beyond [our] own”

That night I realized that I couldn’t do it alone. I still can’t do it alone. Motherhood is a HUGE opportunity and calling that no one can do it alone. For me, I rely on the Lord to help me each and every day. Even 10 months later when things have gotten a LOT better, I still worry about my peanut and want him to be able to tell people that he had a mom that never gave up on the Lord. Even if I’m falling into shambles on the couch;)

To my new mom friends – hang in there. You got this. Don’t give up. You stay strong. It DOES get easier, and it IS worth it.

I echo Bednar: Through the Savior’s Atonement we can receive capacity and strength beyond our own.”

You are never alone. <3

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  • Heather October 28, 2014 at 5:51 am

    Beautifully written! Thanks for sharing your story! <3

    • Aubrey October 28, 2014 at 4:05 pm

      Thanks so much Heather!

  • Shambray October 28, 2014 at 5:52 am

    Love this. The adjustment is so hard. I never realized how depressed I was until I pushed through it. So so hard, but I too am so grateful for a loving savior who never leaves my side. Thanks for sharing.

    • Aubrey October 28, 2014 at 4:06 pm

      Thanks for the comment sweet girl! Hope you are doing well!

  • David Politis October 28, 2014 at 12:20 pm

    What a tender and touching re-telling, Aubrey. Thank you for your honest sharing and giving, especially your willingness to recount your night of remembering and turning to the Lord, much as young Alma did near the end of his 3-day journey of torment.

    You were ALWAYS an awesome young woman who flitted in and out of our lives, but I now consider it a great privilege to know you as a new and growing “Mama.” What a fantastic title to wear (and bear) with honor and righteous pride. Add to that the fact that you’re married to one of the best young men I know . . . and, yeah, that’s pretty cool!

    All the best, young mama. All the best!

    David (Poppa P) Politis

    P.S. And puh-lease, keep on writing (especially from the heart)!

    • Aubrey October 28, 2014 at 4:08 pm

      Thanks so much for your sweet comment! That means a lot:) Thanks for raising such an amazing daughter to be one of my best friends! Love your family!

  • Emily October 28, 2014 at 2:48 pm

    Aubrey, I felt like I was reading my own story of pain and infection and tears and feeling like I was losing myself with my first baby. We somehow managed through with more downs than ups, and then on his first birthday we found out we were expecting again. Instead of joy, I felt fear. I couldn’t imagine going through all of that again with a toddler, too! I cried all throughout that pregnancy, feeling guilty all the while. The nursing was hard again, but not as hard, as I had learned a few tricks, and I didn’t factor in that I was more seasoned to know how to better care for myself and manage the needs of a baby. Every baby, I learned, puts you in a “growing stage” until you can learn to do everything you were doing plus one more. The guilt of having babies but feeling overwhelmed (having pain just pushes it all over the edge) while others are begging God for a little soul is very real. Your story will be your own, but I ended up having four babies in five years and wondering if God had gotten the wrong girl for the job. We were all a mess for awhile! But guess what? Fast forward and I have two amazing sons on missions, two beautiful daughters in high school, a sweet 10 year old boy and a tender 5 year old boy, all of which I can never imagine my life without. I messed up tons, but somehow God makes up the difference. I never ever in my wildest dreams, during those early months of being a mother, could imagine having six children and loving it as much as I do now. All I can say is you will make it one foot in front of the other, and when you can’t even do that, well God is there always. And it does get better. Well… until they are teens. 🙂
    You are wise to reach out to other mothers to help them because in the end you will have created a network that will be a resource to sustain each other. Lean on those who love you dearly, be real, and know it is all worth it.
    Sure love you Aubrey. You are a beautiful mother. You were raised by an angel mother, so you’ll be amazing and more ahead than you know.

    • Aubrey October 28, 2014 at 4:09 pm

      Emily – thanks so much for such a thoughtful comment. I probably read this 3 times to be honest. I appreciate and soaked in every word you said. I love how I’m close to you even though I never get to see you! Thanks for your great example to me! Your kids are so lucky to have you as their mom. You are so fun with them. Love you!

  • mama hodges October 28, 2014 at 3:20 pm

    I love this!

    • Aubrey October 28, 2014 at 4:10 pm

      thanks sweet girl!

  • Courtney October 28, 2014 at 3:39 pm

    I seriously thought that I was the only one who went through something like this! I myself got a serious infection from after I had a baby and it was so serious the medication I had to be on I wasn’t allowed to nurse my baby anymore. After I was cleared to nurse again things went terribly wrong. My daughter would puke all the time (like projectile vomit) and I couldn’t figure out what I was doing wrong. She was such a sweet quiet baby but she turned into a crying upset baby after I tried nursing her again. I felt like I was a failure. I felt everything in my life was going wrong. We finally figured out what was wrong with her and she was fine and happy again! But I was seriously suffering from depression. I totally understand what you mean when you thought you were going to die! I seriously have thought that a few times. Us mommies need to stick together! It’s not easy transitioning into motherhood but I think when we rely on our Heavenly Father we can get through it!

    • Aubrey October 28, 2014 at 4:11 pm

      Thanks for your sweet comment! I definitely can relate to the feeling of a failure that’s for sure, but we got this;) Thanks for your encouraging words and helping me realize I’m not alone! <3

  • bweston11 October 28, 2014 at 3:40 pm

    I swear, you always share these things that relate to me so much! I love it. Thanks for being so open!

  • Aubrey October 28, 2014 at 4:12 pm

    Thanks cute girl. Such a nice compliment. I’m excited to start following your blog!

  • Marilyn Baughman October 28, 2014 at 7:24 pm

    Aubrey – I never would have known you struggled so! Every photo I see of you tells me you are the most amazing wife and mother! I’m so glad you are sharing your experiences with others. You are as beautiful on the inside as on the out! xox

    • Aubrey October 28, 2014 at 10:04 pm

      Thanks so much sister Baughman! That means the world to me! We need to come see you guys again soon if you are back in Texas!

  • Marilyn Baughman October 28, 2014 at 7:24 pm

    Aubrey – I never would have known you struggled so! Every photo I see of you tells me you are the most amazing wife and mother! I’m so glad you are sharing your experiences with others. You are as beautiful on the inside as on the out! xox

  • samanthasowden October 29, 2014 at 7:11 pm

    Hi, I’m visiting you from our blog tribe on fb :). You have a wonderful blog here and it is really lovely to see posts from the heart like this. I’m so sorry you had to experience this. Being a first time mom can be really hard. I had a hard time too but in other ways. You are so blessed and I really hope you are doing much better now.

  • samanthasowden October 29, 2014 at 7:11 pm

    Hi, I’m visiting you from our blog tribe on fb :). You have a wonderful blog here and it is really lovely to see posts from the heart like this. I’m so sorry you had to experience this. Being a first time mom can be really hard. I had a hard time too but in other ways. You are so blessed and I really hope you are doing much better now.

  • Ashley October 30, 2014 at 4:39 am

    Thank you for sharing your story! Having my first was such a tough adjustment and I think it is for every new mom, even though we all try to act strong and happy all the time. (Visiting from the blog love tribe.)

  • Ashley October 30, 2014 at 4:39 am

    Thank you for sharing your story! Having my first was such a tough adjustment and I think it is for every new mom, even though we all try to act strong and happy all the time. (Visiting from the blog love tribe.)

  • Redeeming The Day (@RedeemingTheDay) October 30, 2014 at 1:02 pm

    I LOVE your honest and sincerity! Being a Momma is HARD WORK but you’re right, we’re not alone in it, praise Jesus! He is refining us and making us more like Him. #BlogTribe

  • Redeeming The Day (@RedeemingTheDay) October 30, 2014 at 1:02 pm

    I LOVE your honest and sincerity! Being a Momma is HARD WORK but you’re right, we’re not alone in it, praise Jesus! He is refining us and making us more like Him. #BlogTribe

  • Jenny (@LittlestWay) October 31, 2014 at 10:01 pm

    For me, motherhood was and still is surprisingly hard at times. Lovely, encouraging post.

  • Jenny (@LittlestWay) October 31, 2014 at 10:01 pm

    For me, motherhood was and still is surprisingly hard at times. Lovely, encouraging post.

  • Christina Mathewson October 31, 2014 at 10:28 pm

    I can so close to giving up after the birth of my 7th blessing, I was so sick from the birth, life support, blood transfusions, it was a really dark time in my life. I’m so glad that you didn’t give up, and sort help. I personally found that friends helped me so much. Allowing me to feel the way I was and grieve the things that I missed. Doing it alone is almost impossible.

  • Christina Mathewson October 31, 2014 at 10:28 pm

    I can so close to giving up after the birth of my 7th blessing, I was so sick from the birth, life support, blood transfusions, it was a really dark time in my life. I’m so glad that you didn’t give up, and sort help. I personally found that friends helped me so much. Allowing me to feel the way I was and grieve the things that I missed. Doing it alone is almost impossible.

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