My Miracle

January 7, 2016 in Family

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I’m a strong believer in miracles. You see them everywhere whether it be with someone who is sick with a terminal disease and beats the odds, or those who miraculously survive a car accident that shouldn’t have. They happen everyday and it’s amazing to hear those stories.

Since I’ve had lots of people asking me for an update, I thought I would tell you about it on here.

At 8 weeks I found out my little baby was really struggling. Heart rate was 85 and was only measuring 6 weeks. The odds of having a healthy pregnancy were 20%.  The week after I went in again for another sonogram, I saw the numbers drop to 75 for the heart rate and knew odds weren’t going to be in my favor. Part of me thought that if I somehow put myself on some kind of “bed rest” that everything would magically be okay again. I laid in bed for days and those days turned into weeks. I would wake up and forget that I was going to lose my baby so it was like hearing the news over and over. I knew time was limited, so I would hold my toddler knowing I was holding 2 babies. I would rock him every night knowing I was rocking for 2. I considered everyday a gift. The hardest part was knowing how close they were physically but how far away it seemed until they would actually get to meet.

Right now? I’m 12 weeks. Still. But this week they couldn’t find a heartbeat. You’re probably wondering why I consider this a miracle. (Believe me it’s taken a few long days to figure it out.)

As hard as all of this is to type out, when we first heard the news I felt relieved that this baby doesn’t have to deal with physical disabilities. After the ultra sound lady held my hand and hugged me, I went into the bathroom and thanked my Heavenly Father for the time I got to hold that baby. A feeling of gratitude filled my heart when I realized the warm welcome my baby got up in heaven so recently. I believe a person is a person no matter how small (thanks dr. suess!) and I know that I will get to hold that baby again someday. You guys — THAT’s my miracle. And that’s why I believe in miracles with all my heart because not only do we get to be with our babies and families after this life but we also have a loving Savior who gives us a reason to be happy and holds us when our lives seem shattered.

He’s been holding me and is the source of any strength that I have.

So yes, I am a believer in miracles. Even when they come in ways we might not understand at the time. I’m a believer in a loving God who has a divine partnership to help moms. I feel that everyday and have grown to have a closer relationship with Him because motherhood is hard and I can’t do it without Him. (If you want to learn more of what I believe click HERE)

I know that no one talks about miscarriage. I get why. It’s heartbreaking to talk about. I’m looking through magnifying tears as I type this. But I’ve also learned how common it really is and have gained so many wonderful friends and support of those who have gone through it too. (Thank you to everyone who has reached out… I could hug you all!)

The day before we went to the doctors and they couldn’t find a heartbeat, we took some family pictures. Mostly for me, I wasn’t planning on really sharing them. Nobody takes maternity pictures at 12 weeks, and I wasn’t thrilled about putting on makeup that day, but I knew days were limited and I wanted to celebrate this baby in some way. Now when I look through them I am reminded of all of my many blessings and that one day I’ll get to hold that little baby again.

…and that’s my miracle.

Xo,

Aubrey

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  • Sarah Stout January 8, 2016 at 12:45 am

    Hugs to you, Aubrey! I went through a miscarriage before I had my son and had a “vanishing twin” with my current pregnancy. Miscarriage is ROUGH no matter the circumstances. Praying for you and so glad you have felt your miracle! Mine came 4 weeks into my first miscarriage (yes, my miscarriage lasted forever… my numbers kept going up for weeks while bleeding before they went down). I had just witnessed the birth of my nephew and was overjoyed for my sister but heartbroken for what I was going through. My husband and I were in Utah visiting and went to the Salt Lake temple for the first time. In the Celestial Room, we both had the same impression that what we were going through was NOT just for us to learn, but so that we could help to strengthen and bless others who would go through miscarriage. I held on to that. A few months later, I posted about the experience on my blog and a friend from high school I didn’t even know read my blog read that post MONTHS later when she was miscarrying. She reached out to me to thank me for sharing my experience and what I had written because it buoyed her up and helped her to feel like she wasn’t alone. You never know what sharing your story and experiences (AND FAITH!) can do to help others grow through similar experiences. Thank you for your words and your strength!

    • aubrey.olsen22@gmail.com January 8, 2016 at 3:46 am

      thanks sweet girl. Sorry that I don’t have many words in response, but I read everything you said and it rings so true and close to my heart. Thank you for sharing your experience. <3

  • Chelsea @ Life With My Littles January 8, 2016 at 2:53 am

    Aubrey, those pictures are beautiful, and thank you so much for sharing your story. I’m so sorry you have to go through this, but your positive outlook and eternal perspective are sure to touch others going through the same thing. I haven’t personally experienced a miscarriage, but I have so many close friends who have, and awareness of how often it happens needs to spread. You aren’t alone, because there are so many others and because of our loving Savior. Thanks again for sharing 🙂

    • aubrey.olsen22@gmail.com January 8, 2016 at 3:47 am

      Thanks sweet girl for all of your comments! you are seriously the nicest person ever. <3

  • Melissa January 14, 2016 at 8:59 pm

    I just came across your blog by happenstance and you have me in tears. My heart breaks for your family in this time. I feel such a kindred connection in reading this and how you’re dealing with it – seeing silver linings and miracles in even horrible times. I’m so much the same way – thank you for continuing to add beauty and joy to this world that can often times seem dark.

  • Angela Saver January 20, 2016 at 5:29 am

    So, so sorry for your loss! Thank you for sharing because I know you have helped someone through their miscarriage by doing so! You have a beautiful family!!!

  • Lauren Richardson March 25, 2016 at 7:27 pm

    It breaks my heart that you’ve had to go through this, but I love your testimony of miracles! I had a miscarriage last July, and it was devastating, but I know I’ll see that sweet baby again some day. Miscarriages are tough, and I hope you are doing well with everything. I know we are brand new mom friends, but if you want anyone to hang out with, I will come over!!! 🙂

    xoxo
    Lauren
    Dressing Dallas

    • aubrey.olsen22@gmail.com March 30, 2016 at 2:23 am

      Thanks so much for your sweet comment Lauren! I’m so glad I met you! We definitely need to get together again. I’m so sorry you went through this same thing last July. You are having your rainbow baby so soon! I can’t imagine that there will be anything sweeter. So excited for you!<3

  • Lori Bryant March 29, 2016 at 1:36 pm

    Aubrey, I just watched your scope about this. Big hugs!!!! I’m so sorry that you had to go through all this, but I love that you are so positive after it all. I went through a miscarriage I year and a half ago and had to have a D&C with mine too. It’s such a hard thing, and you’re right – no one talks about it. It’s so much more common than I ever realized before I had mine. Thank you for sharing, it’s so important for people to know that they aren’t alone! Much love to you and your beautiful family, and prayers for your current pregnancy.

    • aubrey.olsen22@gmail.com March 30, 2016 at 2:24 am

      Lori, you are as sweet as they come! I love that we are friends. You always are so uplifting and say the nicest things to me. Thank you so much!! <3

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