I’m a strong believer in miracles. You see them everywhere whether it be with someone who is sick with a terminal disease and beats the odds, or those who miraculously survive a car accident that shouldn’t have. They happen everyday and it’s amazing to hear those stories.
Since I’ve had lots of people asking me for an update, I thought I would tell you about it on here.
At 8 weeks I found out my little baby was really struggling. Heart rate was 85 and was only measuring 6 weeks. The odds of having a healthy pregnancy were 20%. The week after I went in again for another sonogram, I saw the numbers drop to 75 for the heart rate and knew odds weren’t going to be in my favor. Part of me thought that if I somehow put myself on some kind of “bed rest” that everything would magically be okay again. I laid in bed for days and those days turned into weeks. I would wake up and forget that I was going to lose my baby so it was like hearing the news over and over. I knew time was limited, so I would hold my toddler knowing I was holding 2 babies. I would rock him every night knowing I was rocking for 2. I considered everyday a gift. The hardest part was knowing how close they were physically but how far away it seemed until they would actually get to meet.
Right now? I’m 12 weeks. Still. But this week they couldn’t find a heartbeat. You’re probably wondering why I consider this a miracle. (Believe me it’s taken a few long days to figure it out.)
As hard as all of this is to type out, when we first heard the news I felt relieved that this baby doesn’t have to deal with physical disabilities. After the ultra sound lady held my hand and hugged me, I went into the bathroom and thanked my Heavenly Father for the time I got to hold that baby. A feeling of gratitude filled my heart when I realized the warm welcome my baby got up in heaven so recently. I believe a person is a person no matter how small (thanks dr. suess!) and I know that I will get to hold that baby again someday. You guys — THAT’s my miracle. And that’s why I believe in miracles with all my heart because not only do we get to be with our babies and families after this life but we also have a loving Savior who gives us a reason to be happy and holds us when our lives seem shattered.
He’s been holding me and is the source of any strength that I have.
So yes, I am a believer in miracles. Even when they come in ways we might not understand at the time. I’m a believer in a loving God who has a divine partnership to help moms. I feel that everyday and have grown to have a closer relationship with Him because motherhood is hard and I can’t do it without Him. (If you want to learn more of what I believe click HERE)
I know that no one talks about miscarriage. I get why. It’s heartbreaking to talk about. I’m looking through magnifying tears as I type this. But I’ve also learned how common it really is and have gained so many wonderful friends and support of those who have gone through it too. (Thank you to everyone who has reached out… I could hug you all!)
The day before we went to the doctors and they couldn’t find a heartbeat, we took some family pictures. Mostly for me, I wasn’t planning on really sharing them. Nobody takes maternity pictures at 12 weeks, and I wasn’t thrilled about putting on makeup that day, but I knew days were limited and I wanted to celebrate this baby in some way. Now when I look through them I am reminded of all of my many blessings and that one day I’ll get to hold that little baby again.
…and that’s my miracle.